so today it rained. a lot. which usually seems to put me in a
lathargic mood and makes me think more than i should...scary
sometimes. but for the first time did i think emotionally that i
really wished things with my dad would have never happened. i've
always said that people who say that they wouldn't take back the
crappy things that have happened in their life for anything were crazy
because if i ever discovered a button that could turn back time i
would push it...hard. and turn back everything that has happened and
go back to how it was when i was 10. but the context that has been in
has always been one that was speaking from a need to feel strong and
opinionated. today i realized that i would turn back time with tears
in my eyes and no need to feel brave or courageous. i realized with my
whole broken heart that i wish that my dad had never gotten sick,
mentally or physically. but in realizing that i hated my brokeness i

also came to know that Jesus has protected me so much. i could

be in shambles. my heart could be in a thousand more pieces

and i know that he has pursued me through out this whole

process that still continues and probably won't end.
therefore i rest in the fact that he is far greater than any pain i
have. he takes delight in my sorrow and just waits to prove himself
strong and faithful. thank goodness for his unfailing strength.